


The Ones We Left Behind

by BigBlueKitty



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Black & White | Pokemon Black and White Versions
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Feelings, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:37:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6885724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBlueKitty/pseuds/BigBlueKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Touko wonders if N ever thinks about the ones he left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ones We Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I was having feelings so I wrote something vaguely shippy. Title taken from the song [Santa Monica Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVdWqHtTPkE) by Angus & Julia Stone

Touko cries for the first time in a long time on the day N leaves.

“Wonderful dreams and ideals give you the power to change the world. If anyone can, it’s you,” he says. And then he’s gone.

Touko stands in the castle, staring at the sky for what feels like years. She knows she should meet back up with Cheren and call her mom to say she’s okay. She knows they’re all waiting for her – Alder and her friends and the gym leaders – but she can’t seem to move.

She wants to feel happy. She defeated team Plasma and saved the region if not the world. She’s given N a whole new perspective on the bond between people and Pokemon. She should be happy.

She’s not, though. She can’t force herself to be either.

Then, she thinks maybe she should be mad. How dare he? How could N just leave like that? He must have some nerve leaving like none of this even mattered – like she didn’t even matter. Didn’t he even think about how it would make her feel to be left behind like this?

She wants to be mad but it’s pointless.

All she seems to feel is incredibly and irrevocably sad.

It starts as a few tears sliding silently down her cheeks that she doesn’t even notice. Then Cheren comes back to get her and the floodgate breaks open.

She throws herself at his chest and sobs, long and hard and messy. Cheren is gracious enough to hold her and not say anything.

* * *

It’s hard not to be sad for a little while.

The first night after she returns home, she spends most of the night lying on the floor with Samurott, playing some hand held game to distract herself. Her mom comes upstairs some time around midnight, gives her a sad smile and a hug, and tells her not to stay up too late. Touko thinks it might be hard to sleep with a broken heart and spends the rest of the night berating herself for feeling this way.

It gets easier, though, after that.

Life goes on as usual. Touko travels and trains her Pokemon as she always has. Sometimes she visits Cheren and the two have a battle. Other times, she meets up with Bianca for lunch and the two talk like they always have. She revisits the rest of the region and White Forest and spends more time at home than she had while obtaining her badges. She smiles more.

Sometimes she’ll think she sees him. A flash of green hair that turns out to just be a pine tree. Khaki pants or a white shirt or even a planet shaped necklace. It’s never him, though.

Touko will bite her lip and walk away. Sometimes she’ll call Cheren and demand a battle. He always obliges. Other times she’ll make her way to Nimbasa city and just watch the Ferris wheel from a park bench.

Sometimes, when she’s feeling particularly miserable, Touko rides the Ferris wheel herself. She thinks about what it might have been like if N hadn’t asked her to take a ride all that time ago. She doesn’t think much would have changed.

On rare occasions, she’ll fantasize about what could have happened if N had just been a normal boy. Could they have traveled together? Touko likes to think they would have.

She thinks about what that would have been like. She wonders if her friends would have liked him. He and Bianca probably would have gotten along, both similarly bold and demure.

Then the ride is over and Touko has to get off the Ferris wheel and go on with her life like before.

Braviary always nips at her hair and refuses to fly off until he gets Touko to smile. It gets easier for him to accomplish as time goes on.

* * *

 Touko's mom throws a party the day she defeats Alder.

It’s a small gathering consisting of her mom, her friends and their parents, and of course, their Pokemon. Professor Juniper stops in to congratulate her and she, Touko's mom, and Bianca’s mom all get completely shit-faced. Cheren’s parents hug her and tell her how much she’s grown. Bianca’s father pats her shoulder and tells her that her dad would have been proud.

At some point after the sun sets and the house starts to feel too crowded, Touko steps outside to let Zekrom out of its ball. It roars and gives her cheek an affectionate nudge so she feeds it cake and laughs when it gets frosting on its nose.

The spring air is warmer than usual. At some point, Zekrom sits down amongst the wildflowers and watches the sky so Touko sits on the fence and follows suit.

The night sky shines brilliantly in a small town like Nuvema. A billion stars dance around a crescent moon in a sea of navy blue. Moonlight casts shadows around clouds, giving them a silver glow while the wildflowers blow in the wind, petals drifting, scenting the air with soothing lavender.

A shooting star flies through the stratosphere. Zekrom reaches a clawed hand out as if to touch it. Touko wonders if perhaps the Pokemon is making a wish.

Touko reaches out her own hand but of course, a shooting star is much too far away to ever hope to touch.

She lets her hand fall and decides not to make a wish.

* * *

“I’ve been helping Professor Juniper with her field research,” Bianca says one day while they’re all out to lunch together. “I’m not even close to completing the pokedex yet, but I’ve learned a lot.” Musharna lets out a happy little noise beside her. Bianca giggles and pats the Pokemon lovingly. “And we’ve made a lot of new friends.”

Cheren takes a contemplative sip of his drink. “Think you might become a professor yourself?” he asks.

Bianca pushes up her glasses. Touko's not really sure when she’d taken to wearing them instead of her contacts. It suits her, Touko thinks. “I might be,” she says. “For now, I’m just trying to learn. Maybe Juniper will make me an assistant out in the field. That would be a dream come true!”

Touko and Cheren smile. It’s hard not to when Bianca positively radiates happiness.

After a moment, Cheren glances at Touko, almost hesitantly. “I’m thinking of becoming a gym leader.”

“You don’t want to be champion anymore?” Bianca asks.

Cheren pouts and Touko tries and fails to hide a snort behind her hand. Cheren sticks out his tongue and elbows her side. “There’s more to Pokemon training than becoming the strongest,” he says. “Helping others on their journey seems much more rewarding, don’t you think?”

“You’re only saying that because you can’t beat Touko.” Bianca laughs so Touko joins in and then Cheren pouts even harder, cheeks reddening and that only makes them laugh harder.

“Hey! You’re supposed to support me and tell me I’ll be a great gym leader, not laugh at me! Tch, what kind of friends are you?”

Touko and Bianca throw their arms around him as they have a thousand times before.

“We support you!” “You’ll be a great gym leader!” they say in unison.

Cheren crosses his arms and does his best to look upset. He fails.

“Seriously, though, you’ll be great,” Bianca says, giving him a tight squeeze. Cheren can’t keep the smile off his face after that.

“What about you, Touko?” Bianca asks after they separate. “Any plans, Ms. Champion?”

Touko stirs the straw around her cup, ice chips clinking together. “I don’t know,” she says with a shrug. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

Bianca gives her the same sad smile as her mom the night after she defeated N. “Have you thought about traveling? I heard Sinnoh has a lot of rare Pokemon you can’t find in Unova.”

Touko glances at Samurott sleeping peacefully beside her. “Maybe,” she mutters.

Cheren catches up with her after the three part ways. He takes Touko by the shoulders and makes her look at him. His eyes are determined, mouth set in a hard line. Even when they’re battling, Touko's not sure she’s ever seen him look this intense.

“You told N you had a dream, didn’t you?” he says. It’s the first time since he found Touko crying in the castle that he’s mentioned N so bluntly.

Touko looks down for a moment. Cheren squeezes her shoulders not unkindly. When she looks back up, he seems distant – sad almost. “Touko, what is it that you want?”

_What I want?_

Touko bites her lip. The only thing she wants is stupid and unobtainable. It’s a pointless dream that she needs to wake up from.

She doesn’t say this, though. Instead, she says, “I already got what I wanted. I traveled with my Pokemon. I defeated the champion. What more is there for me to do?”

“We both know that’s not true.” Cheren sighs, releasing her shoulders. He takes off his glasses and tries cleaning them on his shirt. He’s always hated them. Touko wonders not for the first time why he doesn’t just get rid of them and wear contacts. “Touko, when we started our journeys together, I thought I knew what I wanted. But it wasn’t what I needed. You got what you wanted, so what is it that you need?”

Touko frowns, crossing her arms. What she needs is to stop being stupid and get over it already. She got exactly what she wanted so why does it feel like something’s missing?

“Hey,” Cheren calls gently. “Just think about what Bianca said, hmm? Unova isn’t the only region with a Pokemon league.”

“You make it sound like you want me to leave.” Touko means it as a joke but it comes out sounding strangled.

“Touko.”

“I know.” She sighs heavily. “I’ll think about it.”

Cheren smiles and gives her arm a final squeeze before taking off.

Touko watches him go, off into the setting sun like in some romance novel. Her eyes turn upwards of their own accord, searching for the first stars in the summer sky. She can’t help but think maybe N is looking up at these same stars.

There’s little comfort in the thought but she doesn’t hate herself for thinking it.

* * *

Touko visits Nimbasa city that night.

Austin is there as he usually is during this time of the year. He’s a nice enough boy and not a bad trainer either. They ride the Ferris wheel together sometimes and Touko tries not to pretend he’s someone else. Tonight is no different.

Touko stares out of the window, elbow resting on the glass and chin on her hand. She doesn’t know why Austin agrees to ride with her. She’s not the most receptive conversationalist. But if he doesn’t mind then neither will she.

The carriage makes it halfway to the top before Austin asks Touko if he can hold her hand. Of course, she lets him. She can feel him shake as he clings to her, same as any other night.

Austin sighs and squeezes her hand a bit too tight. Their fingers fit almost perfectly together. Despite the strength of his grip, holding hands with Austin isn’t uncomfortable.

Touko wonders if maybe she could love him. They have a lot in common – trainers with a need for travel and a flair for battle. He’s kind and strong and always agrees to ride the Ferris wheel even though he’s afraid of heights. And he’s pretty cute, too.

Touko gives Austin’s hand a gentle squeeze of her own, thumbing over his knuckles. He relaxes visibly. They could be good together, Touko thinks.

But no, she knows herself better than that. Even if he’s kind and strong and petty cute, Touko still wishes he was someone else. This warmth beside her is too foreign and the fingers laced with hers fit too well.

For a moment, she’s angry – with N, with the world, with herself. She wants to love someone else and someone else is right in front of her. But she doesn’t and she hates it. She hates these feelings of longing and sadness, like someone died. Like she lost someone important.

It’s only a moment, though. In the end, she did lose someone important. In the end, she can’t force her feelings to change nor can she will them away.

“You seem kind of spacey tonight,” Austin says eventually. “Missing someone?”

Touko snorts without humor. Is she that easy to read? “I guess so,” she says.

“Old boyfriend?”

Touko shakes her head. That’s not what he was, not really. “No, just…” Just what? A friend? A crush? Or just an almost? “Just someone who meant a lot to me.”

Austin nods and lets the subject drop. He’s a lot more relaxed than the first time Touko had ridden with him.

“Can I ask you something?” she says before she can help herself.

“What’s up?”

“Why do you keep riding the Ferris wheel when you’re afraid of heights?”

Maybe it’s a rude question as Austin seems particularly taken aback by it. But then he smiles sheepishly, blush dusting his cheeks. “That’s the reason, I guess,” he says. “How am I supposed to conquer my fear if I never face it, you know?”

It’s the obvious answer but it still sits with Touko for the rest of the ride.

When they’re safely back on the ground, Touko's eyes find their way to the moon. “I’m thinking about traveling to the Sinnoh region,” she says.

She knows Austin is smiling even if she can’t see. “I prefer Johto myself,” he says. “It’s a bit more old-fashioned than Unova but it’s kind of refreshing.”

Touko nods. “Johto, huh?” she repeats more to herself than to her companion.

* * *

_“You said you have a dream... That dream… make it come true. Wonderful dreams and ideals give you the power to change the world. If anyone can, it’s you.”_

_If anyone can, it’s you._

She doesn’t give herself time for second guessing. As soon as her feet hit the pavement of route 5, Touko releases Zekrom from its ball and hops onto its back. It’s time to face her fears.

“Zekrom,” she says. The Pokemon turns its head to show its attention. “I’ve decided I have a new dream.”

Zekrom chirps at her in bemusement.

Touko grins. “We’re going to Johto and we’re going to challenge the Pokemon league. But more importantly, we’re going to find N and I’m going to tell him…”

She trails off. What will she do when she finds him?

 “I’m going to tell him that I made my dream come true.”

Without another word, Zekrom takes off into the sky.

Touko is sure she’ll have to call her mom later and tell her what she’s doing. Her Pokemon might be confused by a new region. Bianca will freak out and call and Cheren will yell at her over the phone that when he said she should consider traveling, he meant she should have a plan first and definitely should tell them that plan in case something happens to her. But for now, she’s not concerned.

A shooting star soars through the sky. Touko reaches out a hand as if to touch it. Even though she knows it’s a million miles away, suddenly it feels just a little bit closer.

_“You said you have a dream... That dream… make it come true.”_

She intends to do just that.

 


End file.
